My Mother Is On Facebook

So, if you haven't heard, my mother is on Facebook.

Yep, she's found social networking.

This should be a proud moment for a tech savvy daughter, but truthfully, it freaks me out.

Why?  You might ask.

Have you seen the way old older older-ish people use Facebook?

I'm not saying that my mom has made Facebook faux pas...not many, not yet.  It just gets me thinking about all the faux pas I have seen and I get worried. (Mom, if you're reading this, you're doing fine.  Just remember what we've discussed.  Stick to the plan.  Do not divert.  I repeat, do not divert.)

Don't misunderstand me. I'm for people of all ages using social networking, but for the love of all things holy, they need to learn how to do so in a correct manner. 

Here's just a few things that come to mind...

Social Networking Guidelines for Baby Boomers and Beyond:

1. Do not...I repeat, DO NOT change your relationship status to "it's complicated" because you had a spat this morning over whether you were having cream of wheat or oatmeal for breakfast. That doesn't qualify. Also, just because you're single and you want to stay that way, it's also not a good idea to say "it's complicated". You'll have half of Facebook speculating about who you've been shacking up with. 

Lesson #1 - Leave no room for speculation.

2. When it says "interested in men, women, etc.", it's not a good time to say "either or both"...unless your gay, lesbian, or bisexual. By "interested" it means sexually. I know this is a shocker for you, but please adapt.

3. It is not kosher to address specific people in your status updates. That is what people's personal walls are for. Example : "Jane, it is so nice to finally get back in touch with you after all these years. This new age technology is pretty nifty. How are your kids? And Stan? Did he ever cheat on you again with that whore...what was her name?" Now, say you just posted that in your status update...everyone you are friends with just read that. 

You see how ugly this could get right?

Another example of an INAPPROPRIATE status update: "Dick, I had an amazing night last night. You're the best I've ever had. You can park your boots under my bed anytime you want. Are you busy tonight?"

Not OK.   Everyone just read that.  Unless you are hookin' it for a living, I suggest you keep your bedroom business out of your status updates.

Lesson #2 - When in doubt, just send a personal message.

5. Do not try to use text lingo, especially if you do not know what you're saying. (Family Shout-Out:  Hey, Aunt V, it's L-O-L...not L-O...and it's not OK to say it like it's spelled when you're talking to people, especially when you say it wrong. Oh, and Mom...LOL means "laugh out loud", not "lots of love". Now you see why Uncle J was a little peeved when you responded to his disturbing news with "LOL". It wasn't funny. You shouldn't have been LOLing, even though you were lots-of-loving.

Lesson #3 - Do not try to talk like a teenager, it just doesn't work for you.

6. Do us all a favor and turn your chat box to "offline".  Most people are there just to leave an update, be nosey for a minute, and then get back to their regularly scheduled business.  Your kids will "defriend" you, if you keep this up.

7. Above all else, do not take Facebook so seriously. If someone posts "I just don't understand life", it probably doesn't mean that they're suicidal.  More than likely, the movie they wanted from RedBox was already rented.  Hold off on calling the suicide hotline.

I reserve the right to make amendments and additions to this list at any moment, without further notice.

love and rockets,

36 comments...I love comments:

JG said...

What about the part where if you update your status more than twice an hour a baby in Ghana is sacrificed?

Kelli said...

This was great!! These are all so true. Hey...I tagged you over on my blog btw.

Mamarazzi said...

both of my parents are on Facebook.

i found this out because they were friends with my husband FIRST.

not nice.

i am sending them to read this post.

it is all kinds of awesome.

i cannot guarantee they will make it here.

the internet is all kinds of confusing for them.


i am going to make sure they read this post.

even if i have to pull it up on their iPads for them.

yeah, you read that right.

they both have iPads.

why they need them i do not know.

but they have them.

for Facebook and junk.

Pastiche said...

Love it! Since my Mom won't even use the computerized catalog at the library I don't think I need to worry about her, my Dad however, is a whole 'nother story. I will be bookmarking this for future reference just in case!

Sara said...

I recently got a friend request from my Mother-in-law! She doesn't understand me most of the time in person and I somehow manage to offend her regularly - 10 years later - do I really want her seeing all my facebook nonsense? My parents on there and have been for a little while now. They are quite FB savvy and I don't think my mom has ever put up a status other than Merry Christmas type stuff. She always just uses the wall. Safer that way I guess. Great Post!

Stopping by from The Hickman Four.

Anonymous said...

LOVE this!! My whole family is on facebook, and sometimes it gets pretty should also add "it is not necessary to comment on each and every status that every single person posts."

Territory Mom said...

This is so great I shared it on my Facebook!!! Great job and so true.

stephanie said...

I need to send this to my mom! Her other fb faux pas is calling me to "discuss" what my 18 year old sister has posted on fb. Insert a dramatic eye roll here please!

Lisa said...

Hilarious. 'Nuff said.

Stacie said...

We just can't hide anywhere anymore. Where are the good old days when you could do stuff behind people's backs?

Shawn said...

My Mom is on FB and she watches everything her Grandchildren say like a hawk! If she doesn't like something they said she sends them a message reminding them that she "has friends on FB too and they should consider watching they things they say".

Geesh Mom~

Anonymous said...

Luckily my parents are not computer savvy so they are not on the social networks. But girl, this is the best post ever! Loved it

Steph said...

My mom's on facebook too but she mostly uses it to farm. I have a link-up deal I call "Facebook Funnies". I usually do it every other Thursday ish. I have "friends" that give me lots of good material.

I like the ones that go from "engaged" to "it's complicated" to "single" to "engaged" all within a 12 hour time period.

Mom Mayhem says: said...

LOL -Great! I hate when people use their statuses to send messages to specific people that should go on their wall or private message! And also a big -eeesh -my mom is on FB and she can be kinda stalker-ish just sayin -Ugh!

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Impulsive Addict said... are one funny chick-a-dee!

Does your mom read your blog? I should totally make my mom read this. Both parents are on FB but they just stalk it. They don't update their status. WHEW.

I've had to teach Mom some slang for texting purposes. They've both just started texting in the last 6 months. Technology is taking over their lives. IT'S ABOUT TIME!!

Seriously good stuff here!!!!! LOLing!


~The Robin's Nest~ said...

Very funny!
I just helped my mom set up a FB account. BUT and it's a big BUT (cause big butts run in our family-I digress) I sat her down and taught her everything she needs to know and the do and don'ts. So far she is doing an amazing job! Plus if she does anything way out there, I have her password (delete,delete,delete!) ;)

Mom is not my FB problem, it's my relatives that are MY age...They all seem to have come down with a bad case of dyslexia.

Thanks for the laughs!

Jen said...

Ok I'm going to send my dad over here to read your list. Can you add an item about a status update not being an invitation for lectures for all your friends to read? K thx bye. lol!

brainella said...

LOL. Oh, this just made my morning -- especially the part about inappropriate status updates. Ack!

Vivienne said...

ROFLMAO. (Is that right?)


MiMi said...

JK!!! This is HILARIOUS!!!!

Baloney said...

My favorite is the personal message in a status update faux pas. It always makes me laugh.
My mom is on Facebook but she is clueless and rarely uses it.

Anonymous said...

I love it!

And I hope my mother NEVER joins FB.

Anonymous said...

Makes me glad my parents don't have a computer! Awesome post.

PBJdreamer said...

awesome!! just awesome.

My mom just started facebook. She has decided to "read only" unless I am there to "help" her comment.

It is so cute

ooops , anyway love your post.


that is all

Brandy@YDK said...

this is super informative. The crazy nana keeps wanting to get a computer. She's can't work and alarm clock and makes me call her when she needs to wake up early.

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

Loved this!
My mom is on FB and I am forwarding this to her because we have already had the LOL (lots of love)incident AND years ago, we had the OPP incident. Yes. The naughty by nature song that refers to Other People's P**SY? My mom thought it meant only positive people and then proceeded to go on the local news.
Yes. I blogged about it.
Yes. My mother needs your guidelines!

Thanks for such a fun post!!

Connie said...

I think I need to go check my husband's marital status.

From Tracie said...

My mom is on facebook, and she has yet to embarrass me....probably because she calls me before she does anything on there (and I like it like that!)

My mother-in-law, on the other hand, had done all of these things and makes me want to hide in shame daily. There is no controlling that woman.

Xazmin said...

Hahaha...awesome list.

I am not ashamed to admit that I read your list anxiously...worried that I might read something on it that I do!!

Beth Zimmerman said...

THAT was hysterical! Thanks for the best laughs I've had all day! :)

Myya said...

Funny Stuff Ms JennyKate, FUNNY STUFF!!! I love the for examples... my mom totally does that. She even responds back to a message someone sends her using her status update... oh & most of the time she does it in all caps. Geesh!

Anonymous said...

LMAO...yeah..I can see why Uncle J got a little upset on that. ;)

I tried to explain "The Twitter" to my just didn't work out well.

These are great social networking rules to live by...Tell Mom to keep rockin!

Life with the Lebedas said...

LMAO! All of my grandparents are on fb so i understand. I always laugh when they post a response to their status update.

You totally crack me up!! :D You just made my day!

Anonymous said...

Too funny! I don't think I'll ever have to worry about this. Mom can't half figure out how to email much less handle something like FB...LOL!

Jenni said...

Girl, I finally made it over to your blog, and I am dying over here!! You are toooo funny!! This is my favorite post, like, ever. Also, you should add how old people always sign everything. My Grandma and other older family members will write something on my wall or comment on a picture, and then sign it "Grandma" etc... it is so redundant and ridiculous, I just CANNOT understand it. LO.... ;)