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2.24.2012

You’ve Got Some ‘Splainin To Do…

In the words of R. Kelly, there is something I must connnnnnnnnfeeeeeeesssssss I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.


   

Ok, so that’s R. Kelly’s confession. I jacked it. What’s it to ya? I’m ok with a little bump and grind too. 

For realz, though. Here are a few things I need to get off my chest… 

  1. I got up at 1:07 yesterday morning and made me a peanut butter-blueberry-cream-cheese-low-carb-tortilla-wrap. Ate it and went back to bed. 
  2. I’m not pregnant. 
  3. I know this for a 100% fact because Aunt Flo is visiting this week and she’s been telling me to do bad things. 
  4. I had something VERRRRRAH inappropriate sent to myself at work. Let’s just call it “note cards”. 
  5. I might have had a slight panic attack while out at lunch yesterday worrying about “WHAT IF…what if IT came and Jill, the receptionist, decided to be nosey?” “WHAT IF, one of the drafting guys thought it was for them??” How WOULD I explain myself. Then, I came up with the perfect solution. I bought it for Skillz. Fortunately, I didn’t have to lie. We all know where you go for that shiz. 
  6. I’ve been trying to curtail my potty mouth and any time I try to attempt that I come up with a new catch phrase/fake cuss word/phrase. This weeks’ faux bad word is “MUTHER LOVIN’” Try it out. It feels good rolling off the tongue. Mix that in with a little “sofa king” and “shiz” and I got most of the cuss word groups covered. 
  7. Here’s a fun little game: Any time you feel like letting one fly (cuss word that is), think of a name of someone in the Bible, NOT God or Jesus because that’s blasphemous and we don’t use the Lord’s name in vain…but like Noah or Moses or if you really know your stuff, you could pull out one of those old testament guys that not many people know about, like Haggai…and you put their name with an object that starts with the same letter. Example: “Noah on the Nile!” or “Moses in the Mohave!”…and for bonus points use a name like Haggai…”Haggai in a hammock!””Jezebel in a jalopy!” 
 It’s fun. I swear. 

Well, hope everyone has had a supah fab week.


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13 comments...I love comments:

Xazmin said...

Jenny Kate - I freakin' LOVE your crazy self!

I been tryin' to have a cleaner mouth too....it makes me want to swear worse.

MiMi said...

You are hilarious!
I know where you go for lying. COWETA!
Hey. Deets on the notecards please.

Shawn said...

Oh how I love me some JK!

While I was attempting to fix the dryer this morning I let the real deal fly out of my mouth loud enough for the whole offing neighborhood to hear me! I felt GOOD!!!

Sheila said...

You crack me up!!!!! And love the no-cuss cuss-words! That's awesome!!!

Heathers Happenings said...

I love fake cuss words, use them all the time. My 3 year old is a repeater lol So far my favorite is "So help me Bob if you don't pick this shiz up I'm gonna get your arse" Ive replaced Bob for God. Like you, I can't use God's name in vain.

Stacie said...

Oh, JK, what a great fake cussing lesson that was! You are too funny!

Mamarazzi said...

oooooooooh Sugar!! that's my new fave at the moment. i have a horrible potty mouth and i need to get rid of it!

i love your posts. i am glad you are doing them more often!

Jiff said...

Tanya effin Denali, JK! All I have to do is look at the beginning of this post and that stupid song gets stuck in my head! LOL

Tricia said...

Just came across your blog, and I am loving your confessions. I'm right there with you in regards to talking like a sailor....I try, but I can't seem to stop saying my favorite words. :) Fun blog!

Connie said...

Peanut butter and blueberry? Together?

GAG!

Impulsive Addict said...

Oh how you make me laugh. I love you, Slush. Of course you can always blame the sex toys on me. I'm down wit dat, yo.

My inner gangsta may be makin' its move in me since I'm listenin' to some R. Kelly as I'm typing and reading....

I like your game but there's a problem. I only know the popular guys in the good book. Guess my azz needs to get to church more often!

Guess what? I lost weight. How in the mother lovin' did THAT happen after our weekend???

hotpants™ said...

BEELZEBUB IN A BASKET! I have no idea why this name of all names just came to me. This game is fun.

hotpants™ said...

Malachi on a moped!