*deep breaths, JK*
So, here's the deal. I've struggled with weight my WHOLE life. Even when I was active in high school, cheering every day and working out all the time. My weight was still a struggle. I had to consciously think about what I was eating.
One time, when I was a Junior in HS, I got down to about 140 pounds. THEN came college and the "Freshman 15" that I managed to turn into the Freshman 50. What can I say? I'm an overachiever.
I remember when I got married, in 1998, that I had managed to starve myself long enough to get into a 12/14 and I probably weighed about 175lbs.
We all know that when you get married you gain weight, right? You're comfortable. You've "won the prize", so to speak. In 2002, I weighed about 205lbs and I was so sick of being fat...AGAIN. I started Weight Watchers that time and it worked like a charm. I didn't have many distractions. I was secure in my job. Michael and I had been married for 4 years. We didn't have any kids. So, I spent my time getting skinny. It was kind of my favorite pastime. My WW Points were like a game and exercising as much as I could was what I did for fun. Nine months later, I was down to 132lbs. The smallest I had EVER been...ya know, after getting boobs and my period and all that fun stuff.
I managed to keep most of that off, but couldn't quite maintain the 132. I don't think I'm meant to be that skinny. I slowly went back up to a comfortable 150. I felt fine at that weight and it was easy for me to maintain. I didn't have to work very hard at it and I felt healthy.
THEN, 2004 rolls around and I get pregnant. And what do you know...I gained back all 72lbs I had lost on WW in the 9 months I was pregnant. Damn the luck...and the pastries and peanut butter sandwiches and LARGE glasses of milk...and "eating for two". I think after having Isaiah and realizing that I had just successfully gained back ALL that weight I had worked SO hard to take off, just made me not want to try anymore. Plus, I had this little baby to take care of. Who had time to eat right and exercise and get appropriate amounts of sleep...or wash their hair regularly? Not me.
The first time I made a solid attempt at losing weight after that was when Isaiah was about 1 1/2. I had recently seen my EXTRA LARGE ASS in an Easter picture...and I desperately wanted to go on this new birth control and my OB wouldn't prescribe it to me until I was around 190lbs. Seemed do-able. I tried really hard, really I did, but I was working our coffee shop...like 16 hours days, taking care of a little guy...and a house...and a husband...and working where I do now on weekends. If I remember correctly, I got down to about 199lbs. I just couldn't manage those last 9 pounds. SO FRUSTRATING.
Since then, it's been a freakin' roller coaster. I've been up and down...and up...and up...and then down a little. My weight has fluctuated from 255lbs (most I've EVER weighed) to 199lbs. I FINALLY see the light at the end of the 200lbs tunnel again...it's just a mere 1.4lbs away. I'll probably do a little happy dance when it finally happens. You know how good it feels to go from one ten to the next, right? When you don't have to say (or think) 200 anymore, you can say 190something...or for you skinny people, getting out of the 120's and into the "teens". I think most of us can relate in one way or another.
I don't know what this go around means for me. I don't know if I'll make it to my 145lb goal.
Sure would be nice for my Driver's License to be correct for once.
All I do know is that I'm taking it one day at a time...sometimes just one meal at a time. I'm trying not to over think things...trying not to freak out over small set backs. I'm TRYING to remember that it's NOT what we do at ONE meal or on ONE day, but what we do at all the rest of the meals and on MOST days. I'm TRYING to remember that I don't ever have to "start over"...I just have to keep going, even if I gain a pound or eat a cheeseburger.
So, hopefully one of these days, I won't be embarrassed to tell my weight...or wear shorts...or a cute tank top or sleeveless dress. And maybe, just MAYBE, my thighs won't attempt to combust into flames from friction when I walk. And perhaps, there won't be three rolls of back fat...or 2 jelly rolls above my pants. Maybe.
UP...way way UP.
My Granny got sick and I put it ALL back on...except for maybe a few pounds...and back UP.
Down a little.
What started this weight loss journey to begin with...trying to fit into a size 16 bridesmaid dress that I ordered on-line and had no way of returning and getting a bigger size in time for my cousin's wedding...just barely, but I did it.
I think that little bit of success and me ACTUALLY accomplishing a something I had set out to do, spurred me on to keep losing.
I've lost about 19 pounds since Christmas. The only difference I can really tell is that those jeans I was wearing that night are baggy now. Feels good.
When I started tracking my weightloss on My Fitness Pal back in July, my starting weight was 243. As of today, I've lost about 42 pounds.
Now you know the ugly truth. Not sure how I feel about pushing "publish"...I'm hoping it will keep me accountable and remind me that I don't want to go back. *fingers crossed*
Are you on a weight loss journey? What are you doing to lose weight or get in shape? Share it with me in the comments. I get major motivation from other people's stories!
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" (nothingtastesasgoodasskinnyfeelsnothingtastesasgoodasskinnyfeelsnothingtastesasgoodassk...wait, how does skinny feel again?)