My Mother Is On Facebook

So, if you haven't heard, my mother is on Facebook.

Yep, she's found social networking.

This should be a proud moment for a tech savvy daughter, but truthfully, it freaks me out.

Why?  You might ask.

Have you seen the way old older older-ish people use Facebook?

I'm not saying that my mom has made Facebook faux pas...not many, not yet.  It just gets me thinking about all the faux pas I have seen and I get worried. (Mom, if you're reading this, you're doing fine.  Just remember what we've discussed.  Stick to the plan.  Do not divert.  I repeat, do not divert.)

Don't misunderstand me. I'm for people of all ages using social networking, but for the love of all things holy, they need to learn how to do so in a correct manner. 

Here's just a few things that come to mind...

Social Networking Guidelines for Baby Boomers and Beyond:

1. Do not...I repeat, DO NOT change your relationship status to "it's complicated" because you had a spat this morning over whether you were having cream of wheat or oatmeal for breakfast. That doesn't qualify. Also, just because you're single and you want to stay that way, it's also not a good idea to say "it's complicated". You'll have half of Facebook speculating about who you've been shacking up with. 

Lesson #1 - Leave no room for speculation.

2. When it says "interested in men, women, etc.", it's not a good time to say "either or both"...unless your gay, lesbian, or bisexual. By "interested" it means sexually. I know this is a shocker for you, but please adapt.

3. It is not kosher to address specific people in your status updates. That is what people's personal walls are for. Example : "Jane, it is so nice to finally get back in touch with you after all these years. This new age technology is pretty nifty. How are your kids? And Stan? Did he ever cheat on you again with that whore...what was her name?" Now, say you just posted that in your status update...everyone you are friends with just read that. 

You see how ugly this could get right?

Another example of an INAPPROPRIATE status update: "Dick, I had an amazing night last night. You're the best I've ever had. You can park your boots under my bed anytime you want. Are you busy tonight?"

Not OK.   Everyone just read that.  Unless you are hookin' it for a living, I suggest you keep your bedroom business out of your status updates.

Lesson #2 - When in doubt, just send a personal message.

5. Do not try to use text lingo, especially if you do not know what you're saying. (Family Shout-Out:  Hey, Aunt V, it's L-O-L...not L-O...and it's not OK to say it like it's spelled when you're talking to people, especially when you say it wrong. Oh, and Mom...LOL means "laugh out loud", not "lots of love". Now you see why Uncle J was a little peeved when you responded to his disturbing news with "LOL". It wasn't funny. You shouldn't have been LOLing, even though you were lots-of-loving.

Lesson #3 - Do not try to talk like a teenager, it just doesn't work for you.

6. Do us all a favor and turn your chat box to "offline".  Most people are there just to leave an update, be nosey for a minute, and then get back to their regularly scheduled business.  Your kids will "defriend" you, if you keep this up.

7. Above all else, do not take Facebook so seriously. If someone posts "I just don't understand life", it probably doesn't mean that they're suicidal.  More than likely, the movie they wanted from RedBox was already rented.  Hold off on calling the suicide hotline.

I reserve the right to make amendments and additions to this list at any moment, without further notice.

love and rockets,
jennykate